Chasing Melodies
by gelfling
Summary: Shonen ai, or slash. Tai thinks about Matt, all POV, maybe a bit sappy.


I sometimes wonder why I fell in love with him

Chasing Melodies

Authors Notes: I've only seen the dubbed version of Digimon on Fox, and this takes place through Tai's POV, after he and Matt are going to highschool, but before the Digimon Emperor is defeated.This story is shonen ai, which means a guy&guy romance.Standard disclaimer, I don't own Digimon, and I'm making no money from this.

I sometimes wonder why I fell in love with him.

We have practically nothing in common besides our love for our Digimon.We're complete opposites.I'm sporty, assertive, and make my opinions known.I can be clumsy sometimes, true; and I am a bit of a loudmouth.And I get into fights real easy.

More than once I tried to bait him so I could have the chance to kick his ass in front of everybody, but he never took it.Always shook it off like I wasn't worth his time or energy.Only when we were looking for T.K. in the snow with the snowman digimon, did he finally take me up on my offer.I'm kinda glad to say that we came out even, mostly 'cuase our digimon stopped us.Don't know who would've won if we had been allowed to finish it.I'm not sure if I should be ashamed that he didn't go down as easy as I thought he would, or impressed that he didn't.Guess I'm a little of both, because I didn't think he had it in him.

He was always so quiet, so temperamental that you couldn't be sure _what _he was going to do.When we first came to the Digiworld he would sometimes greet me in the mornings by telling me to get off, that I wasn't the leader of the group, that I was going to get us all killed now that I had gotten us all lost.Other times when we all had almost been killed, he told me I was doing the best I could, that it wasn't my fault.I asked him if he were crazy.He laughed, and said, "Yeah, but don't tell anyone.It'll ruin my master plan."

He could be cold too, a frigid bastard, and so arrogant.The only things he really seemed to care about was T.K., Gabumon, and his harmonica.He would walk around like he thought he was better than anybody, even better than me, for crying out loud.It wasn't until later that I learned that it was just a mask, to hide how much pain he felt inside.The pain he had been carrying ever since his parents split.There's been dozens of times that we walk to school together, and we'll see some kid getting dropped off by their mom, who rushes off again to take her husband to work.His eyes cloud up, and for a split second all the pain in his soul is reflected in those azure mirrors.Every time I see him like that, I just want to reach out and strangle his mom and dad.Or better yet, sic Wargreymon's terraforce on them, because they made him hurt.Or just hold him in my arms, and tell him he's not alone anymore.Given the chance, I would never leave him.Ever.He hides his feelings gracefully; unlike me who can't even hide my tears.Or my anger.

I'm always thinking of him.I can't look at the ocean and not see his eyes, startled and little afraid like a deer caught in headlights.Anytime I travel back to the Digiworld with Kari and her friends, I can hear his harmonica, whistling mournfully through the air.

Music is the best way he knows how to express his feelings, which is maybe why I go to so many of his concerts.Hoping to hear somewhere among the garbled racket a note, a lyric, _something_ that calls my name, the way my soul screams his.Some hint or clue, that whispers that he cares about me too.I haven't heard it yet though, maybe because I'm not sensitive enough to pick it up.

That's one of the reasons I haven't told him how I feel.

He's so subtle, so receptive to everything that goes around him, that I'm afraid I'll screw up terribly.I hate feeling afraid.I have the crest of courage, I faced down the Dark Masters and Apoclamon without flinching, but I can't tell I guy that he means worlds to me.He has multitudes of girls fawning on his every move, Sora among them.It's not like he's lonely.It's not like I stand a chance.

I'm really confused.I want him; I need his smile in my life, the sympathy and compassion that just seem to leak out of him in every move he makes.

Also we're both boys.I know it's wrong, and I really do think girls are cute and stuff, so I don't know _why_ or how I feel _this_ way towards another guy.It's wrong, it's not a normal thing, it's not a guy-thing, it's not a _me_ thing.I'm sure he's not like that, even if he could love me beyond a friend.Even if he was, I'm not even sure he could love _me_.

I always get what I want, because I'm not afraid to after it and I don't give up until I do.But this is different.I've never wanted anything else as desperately as I want him, but I can't go after him.My sanity, my existence, my happiness all depends on his love.

But I can't do it.

I guess I'm chasing a melody.Beautiful, haunting, and cold.The kind that won't get out of your head, but won't stay in your heart. 

~Owari~

Flames welcome, comments craved.


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